xlustlovex

Today i woke up feeling like someone drugged me, i feel like i have so much going on right now its crazy. i feel like i dont live a normal life. something gotta change and it has to change fast. i still feel all doped up and its 12:30. On another note today was an alright day for me. just when you think you have a bad life someone else has a even worse one.

didnt get to talk to my bestie today so that kinda sucked maybe ill call her when i get done, but i feel like i need to pass the fuck out. i seriously never have felt like this before. i feel so tired, but when i go to close my eyes the world is just spinning. i had a few drinks today just to see if i could chill out and go to sleep i guess not.

you know this is like the shortest entry that i made today but atleast i made one today. im going to go call von and see how her day was today. and see if shes feeling any better.

SO today was a really good day kinda stressful. i had alot to do today i like to stay busy i wish i could be busy like this everyday, i cant wait til next week til i start working even if its just for a little bit i can actually pay kelly some of the money that i owe her. i dont think it will be much but oh well its better then nothing.

today went by so fast i made some choices that i wish i never made but you know sometimes i do things without thinking. i like to help eveyone but but i never seem to think about myself and helping myself out. if i could i would help evyone that needed help and never even seem to think about myself. maybe thats why people walk over me, im so quick to forgive and help people i never sit and think about the consequence.

i think it is so disgusting when old men hit on me they do it all the time around here. today when i went with jancy to this place and this 50 year old man was hitting on me. jany was kidding around and asking him if there was any good guys out here for me to date and he said well ill date you if you like 50 year old men.. um no thank you. And as we were driving home this old guy kept looking at me in the car blowing me kisses and then blowing his horn at me. um no thanks! that is just so sick.

anyways i finally finished my poem about dreams, i let one person read the starting of it. its pretty good i guess ill post it because not many people read this thing. i have a fear for people reading my stuff idk why.
anyways here it goes...

As my head slowly caresses the pillow
And I close my eyes to rest
There’s a warm and tender feeling
Slipping from my conciousness
I am suddenly transformed
To a place quite strange to me
On the edges of reality
And the doorstep of fantasy
Though words are softly spoken
I do not hear a sound
There is clarity and an opaqueness
As my mind just drifts around
There is light and there is darkness
There is color and black and white
Visual images on my journey
Through this dream filled night
There are moments of passion
And sometimes fear or fright
When I suddenly awaken and look to take flight
So I think of something peaceful
And I slowly close my eyes
To return to my dream walk
To await my next surprise
I stroll through pleasantly through
Thoughts of passion
Feeling love without a face
On occasion those familiar to me meet in this special place
I find all my emotions can suddenly shift gears
In the midst of a dream reoccurring over the years
A fear of falling or a fall from grace
Suddenly awakened to a very different place
As my eyes slowly open to greet the
Brand new day
I put my dreams behind me and I will go my merry way


as for what i wrote last night i think im going to give it up, im throwing in the towel im not going to let this whole thing bother me anymore. its nobodys fault its mine i set myself up for a bad fall all the time im the only one that gets hurt in the end because that other person just doesnt care anymore. I cant pretend that i'm going to give her the world because i just simply cant, and i cant stand the fact that im going to fail in the end. I refuse to see myself fail, and i know nothing is ever going to become of us as much as i dont want to admit it i cant see anything ever happening. i guess you will never let your first true love go away but you can only do so much to get that person back. And obviously i didnt try hard enough or something. as far as im conserned i need to get over it.


anywho i pretty much miss everyone back home, dayna calls me everyday to ask me to come home. she has this new theroy shes is showing eveyone my picture at work trying to play matchmaker she thinks if she can score me a date then ill come home... lol sorry babe i dont think its going to happen. gotta love her tho for trying. talked to von for a little bit on the phone.. i hate when my loves are feelin low i hope shes feelin better now.. i always write so much in these things i think i should be done for tonight. so goodnight.

went to the doctors today for not being able to sleep they told me it was prolly cause i was depressed. i dont feel depressed its weird. i miss my friends and my family. eveyone wants me to come back home i just feel so bad for leaving. i dont wanna leave but then again i think its a good idea if i did go home. im just so totally confused. maybe i should stay til dec and then not come back for a while. idk what im going to do. i need to think about it.

i cleaned my brothers room it was a mess trash eveywhere like they havent cleaned it in a million years. he lost his DS and his gameboy 4 moths ago i guess, and just when you think someone stole them a miricle happends when you clean behind his bed i found his shit. lol this house needs to be gutted im just in a cleaning mood again. 

One question? does first loves ever go away. I'm exhausted from thinking and wondering what could have been or what could be,  my mind is on a marathon and it refuses to loose....  i honesly fear i will be alone for the rest of my life. I refuse to give anyone the time of day unless its just that one person. I'm a stubborn person and i refuse to hear the word no.  i give my all but then eveytime when i feel like im that much closer the door slams in my face. The hardest thing is being in love with one of your best friends.  i hate expressing my feelings sometimes, most of the time its not even worth it. i think from now on im going bottle up my emotions like i use to and just put a smile on my face and go about the day like nothings wrong with me. and pretend that i have the most perfect life, Im going to pretend that i don't have any flaws and that eveything is just fine.I wish i could go to sleep someone sedate me ...  HEAVILY PLEASE! I wish there was a place in my mind that i could travel to and block everything/everyone out. Maybe then it would be alot less stressful.

So i talked to von again tonight i love when she calls me, it seems like eveytime i talk to here theres more and more things to talk about. i wish it didnt cost a thousand dollars to go there because i would be there in a heartbeat. i cant wait til shes back here for christmas, this is year has gone by so fast its crazy. it seems like just two weeks ago i got here, and its been a month. Sometimes a girl just needs her best friend. thats all there is to it.

so just two seconds ago jancy asked me if i was still going to go home for christmas and i said yes. She said your never going to come back if you go home your going to go back to all your friends go home and have fun and forget all about us. Its things like that makes me not want to go home.Because shes right and i feel horrible. i need to take a deep breath i think im going to have a panic attack or anxiety attack. Maybe i should go rest my head, that will make me feel better.

so im in love with the used once again i cant stop listening to them and i dont care what anyone says Bert mccracken is fucking hot.
okay so i think my body is use to these sleeping pills and im going to have to go to the doctors and get something because this is crazy.

last nigh to sleep at 6:30 in the morning, atleast i had someone to talk to i was talking to my bffe forever on the phone. You know how if you just sit and study a person you can figure out eveything. well i sat and figured out this person last night and eveything that i was thinking about was the truth. idk its really weird how i do that.

anyway okay so in Dec im going home two weeks before christmas so if you wanna hang out you better do it in those two weeks. im really excited i miss eveyone at home. i kinda feel bad not for going home on thanksgiving because idk what my mom is going to do. i bet you she will be with my grandma and everyone else. man i feel like shit today. anyways thats besides the point. im really excited to go home and see all my friends.

okay so this entry is pointless but atleast i wrote.

so last night i didnt get much sleep i was tossing and turning and thinking about anything and eveything i could possibly think of. I got up after laying there for two hours because i heard a noise and my dear drunk friend was falling all over, It was quite funny. i didnt get to talk to von last night it kinda sucked. its so weird because no matter how far i am away from her whenever i see her we pick up like i just left her house the day before. i guess thats how it is when your best friends with someone. Theres more then one person that im like that with tho, maybe its cause she was in my life for almost three years. I like it tho that shes my best friend anyways moving on.

It like really anoying that i havent got a job here yet i went on two interviews and i have to work with moms brother but he hasnt called me about that sooo idk whats going on with that. i really wanna work i need to support myself idk why people dont think that i try but i really do. i get like a stack of apps a day and nothing still. Hmmm idk i thought it would be better out here maybe not. I will have a job by the end of this month or sometime in the starting of nov. mark my word! if not then im going back home maybe i wont go home lol now that i think if it but im going home in dec for sure for christmas. I just dont wanna take the bus back home you know how long of a bus ride that will be. thats crazy i dont even wanna think about it. it took me two days to get to tennessee.

anywayyys im expecting my package tomorrow i love getting things in the mail even if its something that was already mine in the first place. i really hope my mom sent my teddy <3 lol i sound like child but i miss him and i miss her. i told her to send me them but lets see if my mom did really. she never sends my stuff that i tell her.

anyyyways i think thats all im going to write cause i ran outta things to say.

so last night i talked to my best friend for 4 hours on the phone. it was good i needed to talk i needed to talk to her about things. i miss her so much idk why she had to move so far away from me but i hope shes happy. i hope tomorrow i get my package of shit that i had sent here. that would be a plus i wish i had all my clothes here i hate wearing the same thing over and over again. i feel so loopy like someone drugged me idk why.

today went by fast maybe its cause i slept til three, when i take those sleeping pills they make me sleep so late in the day and i dont wake up for anything. my back is still killing me! idk why it hurts but maybe i should get it figured out lol. we put up all the halloween stuff  outside today. it was pretty fun seeing alex all excited about everything hes so cute. So i helped him figure out what he wants to be for halloween, he still doesnt know were going to go tomorrow i think to look for a costume. its times like this when i wish that i had a baby! lol but i guess i have my little brother now for all that stuff.

Ive been on a cleaning spree lately too, idk maybe im just trying to keep myself busy so im not just sitting around. i did the dishes like three times today even tho we have a dishwasher, and i wanted to mop the floor but couldnt find the mop so then i just cleaned the boys room and my room and stuff. idk whats wrong with me but i do not mop i dont even know how to mop i was going to try to figure it out today but i didnt.

I was thinking today that sometimes i think about one thing way to much. I dont get it ill think about what caused it to happen then ill think about other things i try to understand some people but i just get it.  and those stupid comercials about making your penis larger and how you can make your boobs bigger by doing certain things. i dont get it.. you know that shit doesnt work idk why they take the time to put that shit on tv it doesnt make any sence to me. Im just trying to think what goes thru those peoples minds when they do that. Dumb people prolly do buy it  but idk some things i just dont understand.

The starting of a new day i woke up and was completely outta it. I didnt do much of anything last night a few people came over and we just hung out i woke up at two but i didnt go to bed til 4 i was tossing and turning all night long. come to think of it i didnt take my sleeping pills and i woke up evey hour of the night. i think me and jen are going out tonight, i really dont wanna go anywhere maybe just to the movies. i could sit at the movies all day long for only 1.50 a movie.

well before dinner last night we had to take alex to the hospital hes been crying abou this leg for the past two days, i finally talked him into going he was scared it was going to hurt. come to find out theres something wrong with his hip.


i've been really into writing alot more lately idk if its cause i have tons of time on my hands or its just cause i dont talk to anyone out here about anything in my personal life. whatever it is i kinda like it. i like being alone sometimes it gives me more space to think. i would love to just climb to the top of a mountian or a big hill and just write or read. ive never been the one to read anything but lately ive been wanting to. maybe ill take a trip to the libary sometime soon.


so i was sitting here last night watching tv about haunted houses in different states, im so pumped i love october oneof my favorite months. i love halloween i love dressing up (im still a little girl at heart) i love all the partys and the haunted houses. My grandma sent out more of my things yestrday i had her send out my costume and more things that i could live without but i didnt want to.

anyways i think that all just useless infomation for everyone atleast im trying to keep my promise.

Okay this is the third time i've tried to write out something on here but it keeps getting deleted  because this laptop is stupid. okay so the last entry on this journal was from Nov 2005 haha and i promised that i would keep it updated well looks like i lied, cause i totally forgot about the whole thing til last night. I sat here trying to remember my password and looks like i found out the right one,lol.

So as most of you know i moved to tennessee not quite where i wanted to end up but anything is better then flint. Dont get me wrong its beautiful here and i finally got to meet my brother and everything i love it. But when its all said and done my heart belongs in the city of chicago or atleast somewhere by it. Ive always believed that i was a city girl! i wish that i could win the lottery so i could just pick up and move whenever i wanted. just enough to pay rent for a whole year. hahaha i can keep on wishin!!

So enough of all the small talk, i was sitting here and thinking the other day in five years im going to be twenty five years old, what am i doing with my life? i went to school to be a cosmetologist and i hate doing hair. You know not eveyone loves their job so i need to suck it up and deal with it i think. Another thing i wanna fall in love again (doesnt eveyone wanna be in love) sometimes i have the most negitive outlook on it. I had one good thing and i let it get away, you know i dont believe theres only one person out there for you but i do believe that you connect more with only one person. And i do that ill never get that One person back as i want it. It will never be the same. I give such great advice to other people but i need to start taking my own. i never listen to myself i need to. Im going to set goals for myself and eveytime i achieve one im going to step it up a little higher. first things first is to get a job second thing is need to start paying off debt. I need to start doing things with my life. Time never stops ticking and im sitting here doing nothing with my life, its time to get things done.


On another note im missing my friends and my family like crazy.. lets see my best friend left me a few years ago and i could deal that she was in florida but this time shes in GUAM idk how im dealing with all of this, But i miss her like crazy. I try to atleast talk to my friends and my family once a day but sometimes i get so sidetracked so sorry if im slackin guys i havent forgot about you.

okay with eveything said and done today im going to make this a start to be a changed person.